Could you possibly, eh, refrain?
Things people have done or said that have bothered me whilst being pregnant
All I can say is: thank God I only announced I was pregnant to the “world” at 6.5 months because had I known how people were going to be, I think I would have waited a tad longer. I’m now into my last homestretch, only a month and 10 days left!
It’s a very weird phenomenon I’m about to describe : first of all, you already feel a little outside of your body whilst being pregnant because you become responsible for a human being you’ve never met before and that’s the size of a tadpole (which is already a weird concept) but on top of that during this whole process you realize that your body has now become somebody else’s body: society’s.
I highly dislike people telling me what to do when I’m not pregnant but imagine people telling me how to behave and what do whilst being pregnant? It’s almost comic because I feel compelled to smile and say thank you instead of telling people to “f” off.
As for as I’m concerned, I’m not telling you how to look after your cellulite or your relationship, please don’t tell me what I should be doing with my body.
Fact number 1:
your pregnancy belongs to others for 9 whole months. I have been told unsolicited advice (everyday) since the very beginning : I should breastfeed, eat eggs, sleep on the left side, not eat gluten, not bike, rest, make sure I don’t take the sun, do I walk? I need to walk. How am I still working? I need to stop working. Am I taking maternity leave? When am I stopping?
For the record, if you don’t know me: I’m kind, caring bla-bla-bla but I’m also selfish. If I don’t feel well, I cancel a dinner. If I’m tired, I sleep. Therefore, you’ll understand that if I’m still working it’s because I can and my body is allowing me to. Not that I need to justify myself but thought it was important for you to understand that I listen to myself before I listen to you all.
Happily eaten gluten and seafood in Rome
Fact number 2:
people will judge the size of your bump and how you look physically the whole time “It’s so small?” “It’s so low?” “Is your baby sitting high?” “How much weight have you put on?” “Only xx kgs? Oh wow.” '“You look amazing whilst being pregnant” it’s almost unhealthy because I now feel quite proud that I don’t look ‘too pregnant’ (whatever that means). Maybe it’s just the French (most likely is if I’m honest) but it’s ‘cool’ to look good whilst being pregnant, it’s like you’re keeping up with society’s standards. When I go to London, I feel like I can really be myself, look like crap if I want to, eat white chocolate digestives and a fruit juice whilst strangers embrace my pregnancy. In Paris, I’ll have a Perrier if I’m feeling funky, no baguette and potentially a salad with a side of green beans. It would be true to say that I’m curvy and therefore my bump isn’t as visible as on a skinny person but I don’t think it’s something people should praise. Each to their own my friends, each to their own
Fact number 3:
everyone feels compelled to talk and tell me about their most gruesome delivery stories and it’s not that I’m not sympathetic but I’m already working hard on conditioning myself on giving birth, I don’t need your sordid stories freaking me out even more
Fact number 4:
in France, no one ever ever ever ever talks about how the woman feels in hospital post giving birth. Most of my friends literally just say it’s a walk in the park and they can’t even remember it. Uh? I’m not talking about post-partum, I’m talking about the bleeding, the stomach still looking like you’re pregnant, being scared to pee etc. I’m not saying we should scream it out loud, but I would really prefer someone telling me the top 5 things I would need in hospital instead of telling me what I should eat or not.
ps: I’ve invested in Frida Mom (they’ve just launched in France) so I’m psyched about that!
Fact number 5: (a good one)
the one thing I have noticed is that being pregnant gives you a free pass to totally listen to yourself and your body, your cravings, your need to sleep and that is wonderful. Why do we only do this whilst being pregnant? It’s like: want to eat peaches for dinner? Go for it. Want to cancel plans because you’re tired? Don’t hesitate. Feel like having lunch at 11 am? No problem.
The rest of the time, society and its rules have forced us into patterns, which be blindly and stupidly follow, whereas when you’re pregnant, you basically do whatever you want whenever you want and you kind of ‘f*ck’ everyone around you that tells you to do differently. I would love to be able to continue being like this once I’ve given birth. I feel a total freedom and respect towards myself.
3 stories of women towards women whilst being pregnant:
When I announced to a female senior member of my team the happy news a little before the official announcement, her first reaction was “if things go badly for you, you don’t have a backup at Tagwalk, this is getting me anxious” - she literally burst my happy bubble within two seconds because instead of celebrating something, I had to reassure her and then I had to double my efforts into pretending everything was totally fine (which it wasn’t because I was really quite ill for the first 5 months) so she didn’t feel panicked. Everything by the way is going totally well at Tagwalk and I would encourage all of my female colleagues to have children if they wanted to and would never judge them for it. I believe you can balance work and family life super well if you want to.
When I call my mother to tell her I’m tired, half of her is super sympathetic and half of her is literally telling me ‘how do other women who work 3 jobs manage’? As if pregnancy was a competition and others had it worst than yourself. Some people might have an awful 9 months, some a great 9 months and some like me might have a totally ‘normal’ 9 months with the exception of some massive peaks of tiredness! But empathy towards pregnant women is vital. She’s literally growing someone’s toe nail and brain cell, imagine the energy that takes?!
When I announced it privately to my friends and said I was thinking of getting induced, one of them said I was ‘taking away the first decision my baby would have take for itself’. I get it. But my baby won’t really be taking decisions until she’s mature enough to take them, and in between then, I’m the one taking care of her wellbeing and the one deciding. The worst part is that she said it so spontaneously I don’t think she even realised that what she was saying sounded judgemental. I love her and I know she didn’t mean it but what I’m questioning is more the freedom and spontaneity of how it came out, as if my decision belonged to someone else.
To everyone who has read this until the end:
if you’re pregnant, power on, and ignore everyone.
if your friend / sibling / colleague is pregnant : congratulate her, ask her non invasive questions and then learn to shut up.
I’ve never been pregnant and am not likely to ever be. I’m not if that makes me an objective reader or not, but this newsletter was great and should be widely broadcast!
Et pour ta demande de conseils post accouchement: des culottes jettables pour l’hôpital. J’ai eu deux césariennes et je tolère très mal la douleur. Je me suis rendue compte que une ceinture post partum m’a permis d’avoir moins de douleurs. Boire beaucoup d’eau et manger des fruits pour éviter la constipation et dormir, dans la mesure du possible. Je t’irais mon lait, alors mon mari pouvait s’en occuper pendant que je dormais.